During this conversation I tried to summarize and crystallize some of our thoughts (sometimes the results of this tendency of mine work well, and other times not!). What I came up with may not be all that new but it coincides with some things I have been saying for a number of years. I've often commented to others, for example, that though I've been married to Martha for twenty years now, and we've had children for thirteen of the those years, it seems that we've had kids longer than we've been married! Along with this observation came my silly notion that parenting years should be measured cumulatively per child. Since I have twin thirteen year old boys, I have a combined twenty-six years of parenting. I tried once to have Pastor Mike do his own math on that idea, but he gave up! (Five kids, and the oldest is, well, pretty old by now.)
Sorry for that ramble. The notion I came up with to summarize the conversation was this: Marriage changes YOU, having children changes your LIFE. After expressing that idea, I thought it deserved a little bit of exploration. This is my first attempt at doing just that. Please be patient with me on this one, okay?
Pastor Mike, by the way, kinda stole my thunder on this topic, since he covered family extensively in his sermon on Jan. 3. Knowing how differently we approach things, however, I don't believe I'll tread much on his ideas.
Having shared my life with Martha for twenty years has been an adventure for us. Both of us have changed occupations more than once, and we've experienced ups and downs, emotionally and financially and spiritually, and we've changed which coast we've lived on (We each did this once before we met, and once while married). There have been plenty of changes for each of us. The biggest change, however, was being married. I can say that marriage did not change my life. Marriage changed ME. I believe that marriage teaches you to be more forgiving. If it doesn't, then the marriage is either doomed to failure, or at best, a dismal future together. I know for certain that I needed to be more forgiving, considering my laundry list of faults in need of forgiving from all those around me. Marriage has also taught me some patience. I am more patient now than I have been in the past. This may come as a shock to those who know me. The shock is in trying to imagine John as any less patient in the past. Hey, I'm learning; changing.
Significantly, I don't really recall that my life or lifestyle changed all that dramatically when I married Martha. I didn't stop dating. I kept dating Martha. Other things were added to my life, but they were family functions which I would have done with my own family had we not been separated by 3000 miles. Martha's family time was my family time. Neither of us made much money back then. I worked for a Lutheran High School, and she began work as a mediation consultant for the city of New York court system. Neither of us cleared $18,000 in 1990. We each scraped by both before and after marriage.
Then came children. Surprise: twin boys. Lifestyle change. Our lives changed. We had been changed, already, by our lives together for six years. Now our lives were to change, with different schedules, additional burdens and cares. Thankfully we had been changed already in how we dealt with life. The changes that we experienced in our lives as a married couple prepared us for the change in lifestyle which having children would bring. This was no temporary committment, our marriage: it was intended to last. Into such a stable scenario our children were born.
To me, this occurred as designed. There is a reason for the long cultural (almost worldwide) practice of being a couple before allowing for children. Few cultures historically have made provision for the raising of children prior to marriage, however it was defined, without it being viewed as some kind of aberration.
That said, I also believe that God makes special preparations for the children of families who do not fit this neat and tidy mold. In many ways scripture shows how God has stepped in to unique family situations and rescued the plan that he put in place, and which we have somehow messed up through the sin in our lives and in the world. It is not to my credit (or Martha's) that we have been able to demonstrate the plan as God has set it forth. It is only to His credit, of course. Thank God that He calls us and receives us as His own, no matter the (family) circumstances in which we find ourselves.
In His Peace,
John
